19. whew.. now we can get to the important stuff

The worst is over. I've been doing a lot better. I really like how B. and I are now. I like how we are now more than before. The other day B. and I saw a movie with a couple of his friends. We ran into my cousin, and previously when Pam and I were still friends, she came along with B. and I to drop off something at B.'s friend's place. One of B.'s friends asked if my cousin was that girl who went to their place last time.

I didn't revert back to my old self because someone mantioned Pam, I just said, "no, that was someone else". For a second, I paused, and I remembered for a second, but it was just a second. I didn't dwell on it, it was just.. fleeting and unimportant. Then, my cousin and I saw a billboard for a new movie coming out, and one of the actresses has the same name as Pam. And my cousin said, "man, can you believe she's in that movie? Why would they cast her?". I just said, "I don't know", and that was it. I didn't freeze up at hearing someone else say her name.

B. and I were even able to talk about it without either of us getting angry or depressed, without us fighting. It was nice. It was.. very nice.

I have realized that it's not about Pam. It's not about her at all. It was about B. and I. We had problems within our own relationship that needed to be resolved. That was the push that really did it. It's not that he doesn't love me, and it's not that he loves me less, and it's not that he loves her. It was the accumulation of the problems in the relationship that B. and I failed to resolve. We definitely had a major break in communicaiton.

I asked B. if he wished he never cheated on me. He said he wished he had never cheated on me, but had brought up the problem another way. I said that he couldn't have it both ways. His response was that then if the case was that we never solved our problems and he didn't cheat on me, then he'd rather have it the way it is now. Even though he cheated on me, we're better off. His reasoning was also that if he didn't cheat on me and we continued to ignore those problems and let it build, then we might have broken up anyway, and we wouldn't be together anymore. He said he'd rather have me still be with him and having us work through our problems, then to lose me and everything we had. I must say that I agree.

18. it's like taking one step forward and then tripping and falling on your face

I must admit, B. and I are doing better than how we were a few months ago. I still hurt. He still hurts. I still feel betrayed, and he still feels.. guilty, I guess. I've started my last year of high school and am about to hand in college applications. B. is still working the same job, different hours, different area, but same job.

I'm still going through a rough spot. But it's getting better. I'm starting to do things again. Read books again, play video games again. B. and I are able to have decent conversations now without me breaking down and crying or completely clamming up into my shell. Sometimes now, I see something that reminds me of him and I smile. Everything that reminded me of him used to disgust me and make me even more upset. We are better, but we have a long way to go. I don't know how we'll do it when I leave for college (that's assuming I do leave).

Pam is a lost friend, simple as that. Sometimes I wonder about her. I've read her online journal and stuff, but have not talked to her personally. I don't know how she is, but last time I talked to her she was suicidal, so since I've seen her online and stuff, then I know she hasn't hung herself or anything.

I've found humor again. There have been a few instances recently where I have been able to joke with B. and be sarcastic and everything. That is the old me, the real me. I am a sarcastic person, I have a sarcastic sense of humor. I've been able to find more joy in things and I think that's a huge step forward.

A couple months ago, I was on B.'s computer and logged on AOL Instant Messenger. I doubled clicked it and it logged onto B.'s username automatically. I didn't sign off, but I scrolled to the bottom and I found Pam's screen name there under "Recent Buddies". I was shocked. I was angry. I called him on it, and he said he honestly did not know how it got there. I was so angry because I thought he lied. The "Recent Buddies" group is a group that AIM makes automatically when someone who is not already on your buddy list Instant Messenges you. The thing about this group is that it cannot be automatically created nor can a person be added to it unless you respond to them. This meant that B. had been talking to her.

He got angry at me for snooping. He said, "how could you have seen her on my buddy list if you didn't scroll all the way down?". He said I had violated his trust. Trust is trust. It doesn't matter if I slept with someone else or I snooped through his buddy list. I still violated it. I felt bad. I said, "you're just mad because you got caught doing something wrong". He said that wasn't it. How is he supposed to trust me now? He said could it be possible that Pam messaged him and while he was doing something he pressed the space bar or the enter key and accepted her message? And then did it again and responded to her?

Sounds like a long shot huh? I don't know if he did or didn't talk to her. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I just don't want to argue anymore, and when I bring it up he tells me the same thing. So, it could be true that that is what happened.

I just want to get my life back. I don't want my life to revolve around him. I want to be ME again.

17. exposed

The big secret is out. Apparently Pam told one of her friends that she was involved in a "love triangle" with B. Then the word spread, and one of my friends from Junior High caught wind and asked me about it. Then more people started asking me about it.

I didn't lie to them. I told them that B. had cheated on me. I left it at that. I did not go into more details. I them to ask Pam first if she didn't mind me telling other people, because I figured maybe she didn't want people to know she wasn't a virgin anymore. So I asked this one person, let's call him K. to ask Pam first if I could tell him what happened. And he, being such an assuming asshole, says "no need, I get it". Please tell me, how did HE understand when I didn't tell him anything, when he only has one side of the story? I am glad I do not socialize with that crowd anymore.

People have this idea that I hate Pam and that is why I do not speak to her. That is not true, I do not hate Pam. Nor did I blame her for B. cheating on me. I told her that very plainly, but by the end our our conversation that time, by the way she was still saying that I blamed her for everything, it was obvious she had not heard a word I said. So maybe she told people I hate her for nothing, and that is why I do not speak with her. Either way, I don't really socialize with these people anymore, so it really doesn't effect me.

My heart started pounding faster when K. first mentioned it to me. The subject still hurts me, and I hope one day I can talk about it easily and not feel a stab of pain in my chest. It's not that I am afraid of people knowing, I know my closest friends will not judge me for staying, nor will they hate him for cheating. The people who know are not my close friends, I once thought they were, but they really weren't. It wasn't the fact that other people know, it was that they were asking me about it and it was like a reminder. It stung to hear it from someone else beside myself or B. I have to learn to deal with that though.

I know that Pam thinks that I don't talk to her anymore, but in actuality she stopped talking to me. In our last conversation she simply stopped talking when I told her for about the 20th time that I do not blame her for B. cheating on me. She just stopped talking. We weren't face to face, we were talking online because she would not pick up my phone calls. Either way, she just stopped responding. I know she received my messages because the last thing I asked her was to please return the CDs, do it whenever you have time. She returned it a couple days later. Then at the park, I said hello and goodbye, but she never responded to me. Although she DID respond when B. said goodbye.

I admit, I am bitter. I wish B. had never done this. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain, and I'd have an extra friend. Namely, the extra friend part. I know pain goes away, with work and will, and time. Friends however, those won't always comes back. I know it's not B.'s fault. He said that it takes one person to make a friend, but it takes TWO to stay friends. Pam obviously doesn't want to stay friends. When I approached her wanting to iron things out she immediately attached me calling me a self-righteous goody-goody.

I asked B. if I was a "goody-goody". He said that Pam just has this warped paradign about people and once she gets set into it, she won't get out of it. He said I don't do it to look good, I do the right thing because it's the right thing. I have been wondering more about that lately. About me being a goody-goody. While I was at work, one of my friends was leaving at two in the afternoon to hang out with one of our friends. He asked me to come along and I declined because I had work to do. He told me that the work could be done tomorrow, it wasn't anything urgent, like they needed it immediately. It wasn't urgent, but nonetheless, I stayed at work. He said, "Oh come on, don't be such a goody-two-shoes". I know that I shouldn't let that get to me, but it does.

A lot of things get to me now. Yesterday evening, I saw my jeans hung over the back of B's chair. I kicked it off because it reminded me of seeing Pam's jeans hanging off the back of his chair the day I walked into him cheating on me. Sometimes it gets to me at night, and I just cry and cannot stop.

I really just hope to get over this, to be able to talk about it and not feel pain. I guess I could look on it as a wake up call. It told me something was seriously wrong with our relationship. Of course, that's no excuse to cheat on someone, but B. and I do have a lot to fix in our relationship on top of getting over this.

16. i am not my parents' investment, i am their daughter

I feel so completely lost. B. is away visiting friends in another state. He is coming back tonight though. I don't know if I was relieved when he left or sad. Now that he comes back tonight I am not sure if I am happy or not. I know I am looking forward to him coming back though. Kind of.

This is driving me crazy. I can't wait for him to come back because I've missed him, but I don't want him to come back because sometimes, well most times, it just hurts to be around him. On the phone he said that he feels like I don't love him and I'm just forcing myself to be here out of comfort and familiarity. I was silent, he hit a nail right on the head (a nail, but not all the nails).

Since he cheated on me, I just can't look at him the same way. It just isn't the same. "I love you" isn't the same. I used to get a warm feeling when I thought about our relationship, like the first time he said I love you to me, and now I think of it, and I flutter, and then I think, "oh wait, did he really mean it? If he did, then why did he cheat on me? Maybe he never loved me". And then I just can't feel good about those moments anymore. They're tainted, they're not sincere like I thought they were, they don't seem real anymore. I am just not happy anymore.

I told him that. I told him that I am not happy today. I'm really not, I just thought this was a phase, something that happens after infidelity. I thought it would go away when we got over this, except now I just feel dead. I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel horrible.

B. moved back to his parents' place. This is a big deal to me. When he lived in the apartment, I became attached to it, it became my second home, my safe haven, until I caught him sleeping with my friend there. But even after that, it was OUR place, it was somewhere I would go to and I could stay there for 4 nights. I could stay there and when he came back from work in the morning, I'd be the one to wake up to him. It was my place too (in a way).

You see, about a year ago he dropped this huge bomb on me. His parents wanted him to buy them a house, and he said he would buy them a house. Maybe it's just me, I'm not traditional that way. All Chinese parents talk about their kids buying a house for them. I think this is the most selfish act a parent can partake on their children. I understand that parents want to be happy, but asking to buy a house for them is a HUGE thing. It's not like buying a sofa or a TV, a house costs quite a pretty penny. Especially buying a house in a place like New York City. The way I see it, because someone wants to be happy, they ask someone else to give up some of their hard earned money and happiness and hope of having their own home just so the person asking can have their happiness. It would be different if B. were loaded, but he's not. He makes an average income, and last year when the whole buying-the-house thing came up, he didn't even finish paying off his college loans yet.

It's tricky though. B.'s mom isn't in the greatest health, so he wants to spend more time with her and he feels that he cost them this house. He feels that he made them give up their dreams of buying a house. And I ask how. And he says because they had him as a son.

I think B. is a great son. He treats his family like royalty. I don't even want to go into how he spoils his family (it would just make you sick to hear). Not only does he spoil them materialistically, he is like their goddamn hand servant. He does everything for them. And I mean EVERYTHING. He pays their bills, he handles their technical problems, he does them favors, he does their FRIENDS favors, he buys them amazing things (great sound system for their TV, great computers, cable, foot massager, miscellaneous gadgets) all the time.

So considering all this, I am just befuddled. He said that his parents gave up buying a house because they had him as a son. Someone hit me across the head, do people not CHOOSE to have children? It's not like he made them pay for his tuition or anything. They fed him, clothed him, raised him, but do not all parents do that? I understand parenting is all about sacrifice, but what I HATE most about Chinese parents is that they see their children as INVESTMENTS. And it absolutely makes me sick with disgust. I hate that, I absolutely hate it! You have no idea just how much I hate it!

And it makes me so angry the way his family mistreats him! Oh yes, they do mistreat him. I don't mean they beat him or anything, they use him. B. doesn't see this though, he just says that his family is helpless. And that is the sickening part, they are. They do not choose to make themselves able to do things. They have not taken the effort to learn English, which is the first step. To my understanding, his family has been living here for 21 years. I think that gives them time to learn English! But they don't, they still don't know English. They have tried, but they have not really tried. They have taken a baby step and then thrown their hands up in surrender. Oh well, we have our children to do it for us! It makes me SICK.

This whole buying a house thing, I just don't understand. I don't. When B. and I first started going out, the first mother's day that passed (or it might have been his mom's birthday), he emptied out his bank account and gave them all his money so they could buy a house. But his mother asks him to buy him a house, and of course, without any hesitation, B. says of course he will. I am glad he loves his mother, it is way better than him hating her, but is there a limit to being a Momma's Boy? And I feel like I'm being dragged into this, because if we are together in the future, then this will definitely affect my life, will it not? If a couple buys a house for someone else, I think that is going to be a big thing. From the financial aspect, this is going to cost quite a lot, it's not like B. has been saving up for buying a house or anything, his money goes toward paying bills and materialistic things, so whatever money he makes, is not there in a couple months. B. does not live frugally either. I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but as of now, he doesn't. So, the money I make in the future will also go toward this house for his parents. And I am extremely pissed, because the money I plan to make it for my future, for my childrens future, for my husband's future, and now it is going to go to this house that I do not even want to live in.

B. said that I don't have to put any of my money into this house, but does it really matter in the end. If we do marry, isn't the money in the same pot? The money he spends on this house, is less money for the future of not just ourselves, but our children.

Thinking way ahead am I? I do that a lot, but does that seem like the inevitable path to you? Because that sure seems like the inevitable path to me.

I guess I have it lucky. At least I'm not married to him or we don't have any children. We could just end this, stop all this, and it could be a clean break. No messy divorce to deal with, no kids to worry about being traumatized.

I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I'm miserable, but I can't do it.

15. yearn

It's storming outside. It's like something trying to escape. The rain, or the thunder. Maybe they're both trying to run away. Maybe they're just trying to find something. It's like a fierce fight.

 

I'm yearning for something. I'm yearning to live, I've felt so dead. This is not me. Do you hear me? This is NOT ME. It's something else, someone else. I feel like I don't even exist anymore, I feel like a ghost, like vapor, like fog. My eyes are empty, like my heart is. I don't know who I am anymore, and maybe no one really knows who they are. But I used to at least feel like I knew who I was, I at least felt like I knew who a little of me was. Now I just don't know anymore. It's like trying to see in the dark. What?

 

I like Led Zeppelin and Red Hot Chili Peppers. I like cats and literature. I want to own a house some day and become a CPA. I want to go to London and get away from everything. I want to leave all this, all of this, I want to leave it and go somewhere and start fresh. I want to be new. I want to be born again.

 

I want to be me again.

14. the damage has been done, it's time to heal

Returning the CDs to Pam was like the thing that symbolically finalized the whole thing, the last step, the seal on the bag. There are still a few little things, and I'll probably talk to B. about them later, but he never sees it the same way, and I don't really expect him to. I'll just have to see if he'll do this one small thing, or not.

 

I can't say I'm completely over it, I don't even know if I'm half over it. Now, it just seems that I'm numb. Just numb. The agony, the pain, the grief, it's like it just became a part of my usual environment. And I just learn to live with it, bear with it, I learned to walk around with it. I'm hoping some day, one day, I will finally be me again. I don't want to be defined by this. I don't want to be the girl whose boyfriend slept with one of her friends. That is not me. I think ever since I got together with B. I've started losing sight of myself and my identity. I became part of him, and lost some of me.

 

I used to like reading and writing a lot. I used to like music and math, I used to like history and literature. I still like most of these, but I haven't been paying attention to them enough. I feel that way. I still haven't learned the fine art of time management, I haven't learned how to balance my love life and my personal life. I haven't learned the technique to keeping me me, and still being a part of him.

 

I don't want to be defined by this pain, but these days, I feel like that's all there is to me. I've become shallow and materialistic. I deem myself worthy when others deem myself worthy. When they compliment my writing or my hair. Or when they tell me how pretty I am and how smart I am. I used to know these things about myself. I used to know my writing was good, I used to know that I was smart, and now I need people to tell me. I never used to be like that, I used to know myself.

 

After I found B. sleeping with Pam, I became insanely insecure. I compared myself to her. "Do you want her more than you want me?" "Is there something she has that I lack?" and all these stupid questions that only made me agonize so much more. I think knowing the truth to these questions is essential to healing though. Of course B. said that it was not because I was lacking anything or that she was better than me, he just did it because he was stupid. Like Clinton said, he had an affair for the stupidest reason, just because he could. God, men are such assholes sometimes.

 

I can't say much for myself though, I've cheated on boyfriends myself. Although none of them were as serious as B. and I are. For this one person, we were only dating for about 3 weeks and I was so disgusted by him, and I ended up liking his friend so his friend and I were kissing on the street and got caught by someone who knew the guy I was dating. My drive for doing that was two fold. First because I really liked his friend, and second because I wanted a reason to stop seeing the guy I was dating. And that second reason reminds me of what B. said when he told me that he wanted to do something to have me go away. That is purely selfish. Totally selfish, and now I realize that. Because you are hurting someone to side step the actual break-up with someone.

 

I think often that I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough to get through this, I should just stop trying. I should throw in the towel, stop seeing B. altogether, get myself together, I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship. And sometimes I think I'm just tricking myself, that this isn't worth all this pain and tears. All this work. I think that the only reason I'm staying is because it would be a pity to throw away a relationship I've already put 2 years and a half worth of effort in to. Maybe ending it with B. is the answer. Maybe we just need a lot of time apart, to heal, to lick our wounds, and in a couple years, maybe if the time is still right, we can get back together. Or maybe we won't get back together, and we'll find someone else we can be happy with, because now, it just hurts. It just hurts, hurts, hurts. I just hurt hurt hurt, and when I hurt like this, he hurts too. If I ever voice my pains, I know he feels guilty, so I don't want to voice them anymore. And I know it's all counter productive, but Jesus, it is so hard. Half the time I feel like I'm numbed by pain and then something triggers me and I just want to bawl like a baby.

 

I also tell myself that one day, one day far away, we'll get through all this, and it will just feel so good. And I'll be truly happy again, and I can finally stop having this storm cloud hanging over my head.

13. i was born in the morning

I am hopelessly depressed. My friend wants to go to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. My friend, not me. She suggested it a few weeks ago and since then she has been bugging me about details. Where, when, who. I do not have the heart to tell her I do not want to do this stupid dinner thing with everybody, but I just want to be alone. I don't get hurt when I am alone.

So we are going to a dinner (that I do not want to do), and yet my friend is STILL bugging me about what we are doing afterwards. She wants to drink. I do not drink (although there is a first time for everything). I have already told her NO to drinking three times, and she keeps pushing me, asking me. I hate being pushed. I am a sucker, but I have a limit. A dinner is fine, if I were in a better mood I would love dinner, except she made it into this whole big deal with details and planning and meeting up and invitation. I hate big deals. I like casual, very very casual. If this were done my way, I would tell nobody that my birthday is coming up and I would just call them on my birthday spontaneously and say, "Hey, today is my birthday, want to go to dinner with me and friends?". No pressure, no planning, no obligations.I just did not have the heart to tell her that I did not want this birthday thing, she has been waiting so long for a bunch of our friends to finally get together this summer. So now, my birthday is her first chance and she jumps at it, and I just did not have the heart even though I am half dreading it.

I wanted B. to go to the dinner with me. But he has work. He did not take a day off like he did last year. He did not even TRY. He did not even ask. I understand if he asked and they refused, at least he showed some effort, but that effort is not there and I am hurt because I just want a nice birthday. I have never had a nice birthday with him. And now I am crying, because all I want is a nice birthday, some time with him, a thoughtful gift (not clothes, I am not into clothes). I just want a nice birthday, I want to feel special. I never feel special. Not on my birthday, in fact last year, I was the last thing on his list of special people. First came his sister who he spoiled rotten on my birthday, and then his mother, and then after he dealt with all his family's wants, he said "okay, let's go celebrate your birthday now (now that I have gotten everything else out of the way and all that is left is your birthday)".

Even if I married him and I was his wife, I would still not be family, because family is very important to B. and he spoils his family rotten, I'm surprised there aren't worms crawling out of them. But even if I was his wife I know that I would still be on the bottom of that list. The only way he would ever treat me like a special person is if I am carrying his baby. I am so jealous of his sister, he always treats her like someone special. And she is, she's his sister after all. But it is not fair (I know I am whining, I'm sorry). She doesn't even appreciate a third of the things he does for her! SHE does not wait 6 hours every day until he wakes up so she can get 5 minutes of his individual attention. She does not plan his gifts meticulously for no special occasion. (There was this one time a little before my birthday I bought B. a bottle of cologne. I wanted to get the perfect scent, so I compiled a list of all his current fragrances, the ingredients in them, found the common ingredients in them, and then looked at hundreds of fragrances. I made a list of possible fragrances he might like, the ingredients those fragrances contained and I cross referenced them by ingredient trying to figure out which scent B. would like best. I got a headache sniffing all of them, and finally settled on one). His sister does not do that, and yet she gets the best of the best of him. SHE does not conform every second of her free time to meet his schedule. And where is the justice in that?

12. i don't know what's happening to me

I am changing, and not in a good way. It scares me too, because I have never been like this before and it is scary to be this way. I am hurting others for no reason except that I am angry and hurt and I do not know what to do anymore because nothing I do does anything.
 
I never feel important. On my birthday (which is very soon), I never feel important. At least not since I have been with B. He had to work the first time, and he forgot that it was my birthday. But I was trying to be a good girlfriend so I let it slide and I gave him massages because he was tired from work, I helped organize his papers and do his work, I waited until he went to bed and then I went home myself. That was my first birthday with him.
 
On my second birthday with him he took a day off work. I was so happy that he did, that was the best gift he could have given me. Except he left my gifts (a bunch of random books) at his parent's place, so he said we would just drop by there quickly to pick them up. We drop by there, and stay for 6 hours. We stay for lunch and chit chat. His sister swaps phones with him because hers does not work upstate. His sister does not like his cover so we drive around for 2 hours so she can get a nice cover for the nice phone her brother is giving her. Then B. decided that his sister needs a new great video card for the new great computer he gave her. So we go to the computer store and he pays approximately 400 dollars for a nice new video card for his sister, which I later find out, she does not even want and never even utilized the new functions it gave her.
 
THEN we go back to his place, and he is all ready to celebrate my birthday.
 
I am angry, I am more than angry, I am utterly disgusted at why I ALWAYS have to get the leftovers of him. I understand when it is absolutely necessary, when he has to work or when there is an emergency. But did his sister NEED to get a new cover for the cell phone right away? Did his sister NEED to get a new video card (that she did not even want) right away? Did we have to stay lounging about at his parents place doing NOTHING but chit chatting all the live long day?
 
B. likes spending time with his family. I understand that. I like spending time with my family too. But guess what.
 
I never do. I feel like I'm giving a whole lot more than I am getting back. I don't even feel like I am getting a modicum of it back. I have not been home for dinner for a year. B. works at night now, so he sleeps in the day time. I go over in the afternoon and nap for 6 hours with him with the little microscropic ray of hope that I get at least 5 minutes with him if he doesn't wake up late and have to rush rush rush. I plan my schedule around his schedule. I mark down his days off on my calander so I know not to schedule an appointment to the doctor or whatnot when he has a day off. Because I know if I did, I just gave up the ONLY time I may have of spending any time with him that really qualifies as spending time together.
 
In school, I did not participate in certain extra cirricular activities because if I did then that meant that I am giving up time to spend with B. I gave up going to all family gatherings except Chinese New Year (once a year) so I could spend a little time with B. I visited my aunt last week and she doesn't even recognize me anymore! It has been THAT long since I have seen my family.
 
I only hang out with my friends when I know he is occupied (sleeping, with his family, working), so I see my friends next to never. He complains about his family always asking him to do stuff. It's because he always does it. He says that if he doesn't do it, no one else will do it. It's because they all know he will do it without questioning him.
 
The other day he had to assist in translation in the hospital, even though there were people who could translate. He complained about how they called him and did not bother to call anybody else. When they called him to help them (he was on his way to pick me up from work), he immediately dropped whatever he was doing to go help. He did not ask them if they could ask somebody else to translate, he just agreed to go.
 
When he buys me birthday gifts, they don't even seem like they had much thought put into it. Like last year, it was books thrown together, a few clicks on the computer. This year, it's clothes, I already know it's clothes, and if ANYBODY knows me, they KNOW that the gift to get me is not clothes because I'm not that into clothes. And I am betting it is lingerie, which isn't a gift for ME, it's really a gift for HIM.
 
I know I'm not at the top of his priority list. Even if I gave up my whole life for him, he'd never notice. I always have to wait for leftovers.

11. slapped in the face with punishment

Pam still had a couple of B.'s CDs and I had left a CD at B's place that was Pam's. There was still the matter of returning these items. On my last conversation with Pam on the computer I asked her to return the CD's whenever she had time. She stopped by B's place and gave them back. B. forgot to return the other CD to her. B. went over to play some ball, and Pam was there too. When I got off the subway, I walked by the park and I saw B. there, and he was playing ball with Pam. I was hurt, and shocked, but mostly hurt.

Later, B. explained to me that there was no one else there that he could play ball with, so he asked her. I was still hurt. Had it been me, I would have just not played. We got in a fight over how I got mad at him over nothing, how I'm controlling, how I'm not letting him do what he wants.

"So what is this now!? I can't even SEE her? I'm not supposed to go to play ball EVER because she MIGHT BE THERE?!", he said.

B. is very big on how I try to control him. He likes his freedom, his stretch space. In getting over this infidelity, he wanted to do it HIS way. I wanted to do it MY way, and I was very hurt when he did not want to do it my way. Perhaps I was brainwashed. After he slept with Pam I looked up articles and read anything I could find on getting over infidelity. In everything I read, it said that the cheating partner must agree to do what the faithful partner suggests, because this shows the unfaithful partner's willingness to do what it takes even if it's not what he/she likes, this shows commitment to the process. B. did not want to conform and do it my way, so when I asked him to purge of her screen name, of everything, he did not do it, and instead did what he wanted to do. He said, "isn't it better if I do it on my own time? Wouldn't that show you more than if I did it because you commanded me to?". Yes, but how could I know he was going to get rid of that stuff, EVER? Even today, he still has stuff lying around of Pam's. And YES, it would show more, but it would help me sleep better if he would just do it.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. You must understand that this was not very long after he slept with her. You can imagine how hard it is to trust someone after they have slept with someone else. He said I just have to trust him. Regaining trust is the hardest thing in the world. I don't even think B. realizes that because even now, he gets angry when I don't trust him. It comes gradually and very slowly. It inches slower than glaciers.

When we left the park, Pam said bye to B., she would play ball with him, say good-bye to him, and be civil to him, even though he slept with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can hate me for doing nothing. I was so frustrated and angry at that injustice. Why should I lose a friend just because B. did something?! Why should I pay for his wrong doing?! And why should I have to pay such a large price?! I was so angry and frustrated.

Now, reader, you must understand, I have many acquantices, but as far as friends go I have very few. I think this is the case for many people. Some people are just better friends than others. For example, I have this elementary school friend, we went our separate ways after elementary school and did not talk for 3 years. When I saw her again after those 3 years we talked and laughed as if that time had never elapsed. I have another friend whom I've known since childhood, we were inseparable but she moved across the country a few years ago. Her mother (whom she lives with now) does not allow her to talk to me because she has this unreasonable hatred toward people from New York City.

This friend of mine, Elizabeth, she was my best friend. Our families were connected in this weird way. Her cousin was my brother's best friend, her younger cousin was in the same class as my younger cousin, our fathers knew each other, our grandparents knew each other. Her family, was kind of like my family. I was devastated when she moved and did not leave my house for 3 weeks. Since then, I've become wary of friends and I try not to lose friends when I find one that I can relate to.

I cannot say Pam was my best friend, but she was a friend. When I knew her in junior high we were in two different cliques, so I didn't talk to her much except for the few instances I was in class and saw her. I can't say it's the same as my elementary school friend where it seemed like time had never passed, I'd have to say that Pam and I we were never great friends to begin with in Junior High, but after cliques stopped becoming so important, we were able to actually be friends.

That was my reasoning for wanting to "iron things out" with Pam. She didn't see it that way, she saw it as me trying to protect my image of the "nice girl", of the "good holy righteous girl", but I was really just trying to get closer so I could do more damage to her. I don't think I'm "holy", or "goody-goody", that was just my reasoning. I didn't expect us to be friends again, if I were to be friends with her then I wouldn't be able to be with B. If you look at it that way, I was caught between two people, my boyfriend, or my new friend. I "chose" my boyfriend. I say "chose" because Pam hated me anyway, so it's not like I had much of a choice.

I was so angry at B., it's like he commits murder and he weasels out of the punishment and instead I get slapped in the face with the death sentence. I hate losing friends, I have never lost a friend before. I suppose you could say I lost Elizabeth, but I am so convicted that if we were to ever meet again it would be like the years had never passed. That, and I still have threads connecting me to her family. There was nothing I could do about Elizabeth leaving though, but with B., I found it so unfair! How could she not be angry at B. but be angry at me? I don't even know what she was angry at me for! In fact, she didn't even know what she HERSELF was angry at me for!

I told B. that it is so unfair that she can still be friends with him, with HIM, the guy who had sex with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can't be friends with me who she hates for no apparent reason.

"Well, what do you want me to do about that?! I can't make her change, that's just how she is! If she wants to hate unreasonably than that's her! I can't help that! That's just the way she is, why are you blaming me?!", B. said.

I did not blame him, I was blinded with injustice. It really isn't his fault that she hates me, that was just her reasoning.

When I think about it now, I'm not even sure if Pam and I would have made good friends. I think, I am more serious than she is. For example, when we were working together. She liked to play around a lot, she was very chit-chatty. Sure, the office we worked in was quite laid back, but it was still a professional place. I was chit-chatty as well, but I didn't like to linger around just to chat. So if someone was passing by my desk, we could stop for a couple seconds for a few exchanged words. With Pam, when I was working in the back, she came over while I was stuffing envelopes for a presentation and she just sat there for a good hour and a half chatting with me while I stuffed envelopes. It was fun, I could have definitely used the company, but when I asked if she had any work to do at her desk she said no and she was bored so could she stay and chat with me until they gave her something to do? I should have told her she was going to get us both in trouble, but I didn't, instead I said "Okay.. I guess so". Which is the wrong answer (now I know that).

There are a few key differences in Pam and I that would have caused problems were they to ever occur (again). Such as her knack for avoiding confrontation, how she lets everything get to her (ie: the incident with our supervisor reprimanding us for goofing off at work), how she holds grudges for reasons that don't seem plausible, how she doesn't listen when people talk, but hears what she wants to hear (B. says I do the same because when he tells me something I scoff and say "yeah, right". I HEAR it, I just don't BELIEVE it.)

As of today, I don't know what Pam thinks of me. Maybe she still hates me, maybe she doesn't. I don't hate her, I just figure that if we did have a strong friendship, it wouldn't be this way. But we weren't friends for that long any how. I asked her if we could be civil, but I guess her and I have different definitions of being civil. In a few obscure references she wrote on her online journal she said that if I have something to say, say it to her face, and she'll smack the crap out of me, and if she ever sees my face again she'll smack the crap out of me. She saw me, and no, she did not smack me. I guess since she did not physically touch me, but just verbally assaulted me that could still be considered "civil", I just didn't want any kind of slanderous revenge, or any sort of childish word play because I think not only is that uncivil, it is also tremendously immature and that just sickens me. I used to hang out with people who loved to play the childish name calling slanderous game. I stopped hanging out with them for the same reason, because they were so amazingly stupid and I kept wondering what in the world am I doing with people who can't even act civilly.

10. for the lonely hearted.

I went around blogspot and found a few interesting journals. I left comments. I'm whoring for publicity. It's sad, but true. This was really supposed to help me, because I didn't talk about my boyfriend cheating on me, not half as much as I wanted to with even my boyfriend. And I didn't tell my friends in fear of humiliation and I would hate for them to look at me with their sorry eyes. "There's that poor girl whose boyfriend slept with one of her friends". I don't need that sympathy right now. I would like to tell them after, after I get through all this, so they could see how strong I am, except I don't know when that is, and I don't know if it will ever happen.

But if it won't ever happen why am I still with B.? I have hope, sometimes it runs thin, sometimes it rushes through me like a strong river, sometimes it's just there and I feel peaceful. Finally peacefull. Blessedly hopeful and deliriously hopeful. This was really supposed to help me, because I couldn't stand having everything pent up inside me. It makes me want to explode, or implode, it made me want to cry and cry and I don't like to cry. So I wrote it here, on this journal, on the internet, with hopes of getting rid of my frustation. It worked, kind of. It helped, sort of. But if no one reads it, I might as well keep it pent up, right?

So I whore myself out to you, the internet world.

Sometimes, I get so incredibly lonely. Maybe it's my teenage hormones going on a spree, I really don't know. I just feel great sometimes and I feel like crap the next. I'm not suicidal (if anybody is thinking that). I thought about suicide, over a guy, oh God, I turned into everything I never want to be. To be a wimpering girl clingling to her boyfriend and who is lost without him.

I wasn't always that way. I used to know who I was (or so I thought). I used to do great in school, aced all my classes, all my exams. Teachers loved me, I was the one that actively participated when no one else did and got the ball rolling on class discussions. I was the one they never had to worry about. My grades dropped, they didn't drop, they plummeted. It was amazing to see. I was amazed. It's went from something great to something average. I shouldn't be complaining, but I am. I would apologize, but I'm not sorry.

For now, the worst part of my story is over. It still hurts to write and that's why I'm not writing it right now. Reliving someone whom I've been with for 2 years and something odd months, who I managed to attach myself to in a way that is so temptingly dangerous, cheating on me with my friend, is not something I like to write. But it helps. And if it helps, then God bless it, at least it helps.

Before Pam slept with my boyfriend, she told me that she used to look up to me (before the whole incident). Because I was in the "cool" crowd when I knew her in junior high. I didn't think I was cool, I was just me. I listened to The Beatles, Van Halen, Tracy Chapman, and my old friends thought I was corny. I was shunned out from being "popular" because I left that crowd so I could be myself. She said she looked up to me and respected me because I knew what I wanted, I knew what colleges I want to go to, I knew what I wanted to major in, I knew where I wanted to go, and I knew how to get it.

I still know what I want and how to get it. I'm so grateful I didn't lose that in this whole infidelity thing.

I'm not religious, but I find myself praying to God, to anyone, more frequently now. I used to go to church and Sunday school, when I was a kid. I don't anymore, but I kind of want to go back. I just figured I needed something to hold on to, God, anybody. Just to keep me going.. you know?

09. " don't tell me i don't listen! ", she said.

I told B. that I wanted him to purge of everything he had of her. Everything, she had a couple of his CD's that she borrowed and I borrowed a CD from her but left it at B.'s place. I asked him to remove her number off his cellphone, to take her screen name off his buddy list on AOL Instant Messenger, to get rid of absolutely everything. He managed to put it off, and I let it slide. B. doesn't think doing those little things would amount to anything. He didn't really "put it off", he took her screen name off his primary screen name, but the rest he left it. He says he doesn't use those accounts and it's not that he did it on purpose, he did not remember.

There was a time I mentioned that her screen name was still there, but he did not make a move it remove it from his list. He also did not remove her number from his mobile phone until a few weeks ago, but he assures me that he has not called her. He does not believe that these little things will do us any good, he says can't I see the bigger picture of what he is doing. How even though he has his number on her mobile, he has not called her. How she does not mean enough for him to even remember that her screen name was on his other accounts. How she does not mean enough that he did not even remember her number was on his mobile?

I did not talk to Pam for a month or more. I was not ready yet, I still had to get myself in order. I finally called her after I decided it was time to iron things out. I did not call her to fight or yell at her, I simply wanted to make it clear that I do not hate her, I want to iron things out, not to be friends again. I knew things would never be the same between her and I. I did not expect it to be, I did not expect anything, just to talk about things.

I don't hate anybody, I don't even hate Pam. I do not understand Pam, but I do not hate her. Even to this day, I don't. I still don't understand her though. I called her mobile phone but she never picked up. Instead she called B. but B. has his phone on silent and did not know she was calling until later. I still do not know why she called B. after she did not pick up my calls. I never asked her that.

After a couple more months, she popped up on AOL Instant Messenger. Since she was not answering her phone, this was the only way I could talk to her. I made the first move and talked to her. I told her I wanted to iron things out, and she told me that we will never be friends like how we were. I explained that I knew that, that is not why I am talking to her. She got very defensive, for reasons unknown to me. Later on, in her online journal she wrote an obscure post about how some people always try to be on good grounds with you, but their real intentions are to get you closer and then attack you. Like Machiavelli's theory of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

That was not my intention, but even when I told her that I'm not planning to blackmail her or anything, she still thought that. I don't even know what I did to have her think that. She told me that before she slept with B. she felt that I was plotting against her, that I had some underlying plan to sabotage her.

Sabotage her for what? I honestly do not know. I actually felt she had some underlying intentions because everything told me that she liked B. but when I asked her if she liked him, she denied it. Then she did not listen when I tried to tell her B. liked her. To this day, she thinks that I got mad at her for no reason, even when I told her plain and simple my reason was because she showed me no courtesy, no respect, and just continued to play her childish game.

In later conversations I asked her if she hated me. She said she did. Ironic isn't it? That she lied to me but I do not hate her, and then she sleeps with my boyfriend and hates me. I asked her why she hated me, and she said, "I don't know, I just do". When I pried for more reasons, she said I had changed.

I asked her how I had changed, and she couldn't tell me how I had changed. She said, Okay maybe you didn't change and just my view of you changed. And so I said, "Okay, so then it's not really me, you just hate me because you want to". And she said, Yeah, I guess so.

I apologized to her for calling her a whore when I found her sleeping with B. that day. I apologized for other things I had said to her. I apologized for reasons I did not have, that I must have done something to have Pam sleep with B., I apologized for that even though it was hardly feasible.

I told B. to apologize to her because no girl should lose her virginity that way and to REALLY end it this time. He said he called her on the phone and told her that it was nothing emotional and "ended it". He did it right after he slept with her, and he did it again over AOL Instant Messenger when I asked him to. On Instant Messenger Pam never replied, so I couldn't be sure if she ever got his message and his apology.

When I asked Pam if she had talked to B. yet, she told me she did not hear a word from him since they slept together. I believed her then, because I figured she never got those messages on Instant Messenger and I did not know about B. calling her until recently. I apologized for B., because I did not know that B. had already apologized over the phone. She told me she hadn't heard from him, so I believed her.

I asked if she liked him, and she said she did not anymore, but she did before. I asked her what happened to not hurting me, to not doing anything with B. because she would never want to hurt me that way. She said she felt bad, she said she has failed me as a friend, but she never said sorry. I think to this day, she still believes she did not do anything wrong.

Pam and I got in a few arguments, she defended her position by saying when she went over she had no idea that he was going to sleep with her. I retorted by saying Did you not remove your own clothes? Did you not undress yourself and bend over when he asked? What did you think he was going to do?

She kept saying she did not know when she came over and I stressed the fact that Okay, so you didn't know when you went over, but I am sure you knew when you undressed yourself and bent over. She said nothing. She just kept repeating that she did not know when she came over. Pam has the amazingly ability to ignore everything another person says.

She said to me, "Why don't you go yell at your boy?! Why are you just yelling at me?!" I laughed. I said, "You think B. doesn't get yelled at? He gets A LOT worse than this from me". She made it like B. raped her, like he put a gun to her head and told her to take off her clothes. I was amazed she could even take that position when she herself took off her own clothes and knew what was going to happen when she bent over. I told her, "why are you making it sound like B. RAPED you? He did nothing like that, you GAVE it to him, you undressed yourself, you bent over yourself, you were fully aware of what he was going to do. Do not make yourself sound like the VICTIM." She scoffed. She said, "Yeah right, I let him take it away from me. I WANTED him to do that to me" (sarcastically).

She accused me of being of holy and righteous. She said I always try to do the right thing even though she knows my true intentions are not right. I asked her how she knew what my true intentions are, and she said she knows how people in this world are.

The thing with Pam is that she thinks she knows everything. I am honestly not saying this to be mean, I did not even realize that until B. pointed it out to me. She thinks she knows everything about sociology and human behavior. She bases it all on herself, because SHE has bad intentions then everyone else does too. She does not believe that I was not trying to attack her, I was just trying to understand things so I could finally find some closure.

She said to me, "why are you saying all this stuff? Why are you talking about all this stuff? To remind me that you're better? To remind me that I'm not as good as you? My boyfriend is cheating on me already, I don't need you to make me feel worse."

That really ticked me off. That's like a murderer whose wife cheated on him, and he says, "hey, why are you (the jury) convicting me? My wife is already cheating on me, give me a break!"

I can't stand that kind of stuff. I can't stand people who run from responsibility. Fine, do it if you're not hurting anyone else, but when you hurt other people, responsibility must be taken. Pam did not want to be blamed for anything. She said I am blaming her for B. sleeping with her. I told her very plainly, "No, that is not what I blame you for. What B. did is what B. did, I don't blame you for that. B. did it himself, YOU did not ruin my relationship with B., B. did that all by himself. I blame you for LYING to me, for telling me you didn't like him when you actually did, for playing stupid childish mind games with me." But she did not listen. She insisted over and over, "You're just blaming me for B. sleeping with me because you want to make yourself feel better!".

After this incident I learned a lot about Pam very quickly. One thing I learned was that Pam takes things to the extreme. Especially anger. We were talking about abortion and I asked her if there was a chance B. got her pregnant. Fortunately, she wasn't, but she said if someone got her pregnant out of wedlock, she would not tell the father. I was appalled. Why wouldn't you tell the father? I asked. She said, "Why should I? So he can run out on me and my kid?". I said don't you think the father has the right to know, maybe he wants to help raise the child. She said No, men are dogs. She has built a hate toward all men because of her boyfriend who was cheating on her and possibly because of B., although I never asked. This is what I mean by taking things to the extreme, based on her experience with 2 men (with B. I think she should have been wise enough to smell trouble brewing), she forms her opinion on the whole species of men. Another example is when we were working and our supervisor switched her to another department. She was convinced that our supervisor hated her even though I explained, and other coworkers explained, that he is only doing his job as our supervisor.

I will say this again, Pam has the amazing ability to ignore everything another person says. I still do not understand why she hates me. She expresses this animosity toward me for a reason even she herself cannot give.

08. make up sex

After that day, I did not speak to B. for a few days. I surrounded myself with family and tried to push bad thoughts out of my mind. I did tell him that I was not going to leave, I wanted to work it out. I did not speak to him, and when I did I was terse and snappy. I insulted him openly and attacked him with words (the only way I know how to attack a person). A couple days right after I found him fornicating with my friend was Chinese New Year. I must say, it was extremely lucky (or unluckly, depending on how you look at it) that he cheated on me so soon before the Chinese New Year. I had my doubts about staying with him, but Chinese New Year is a time for a clean start, to sweep out the bad and bring in the good. It was also supposed to be a good year (year of the Monkey). Chinese New Year is also a time for forgiveness, that is a major thing about Chinese New Year, to let go of grudges. I am not very traditional, I was born in U.S. and despite my heritage I grew up as a proud American with a streak of Chinese authenticity. If not for that holiday, I don't know if I would still be here. Funny how things work out.

I spoke to him on the computer through AOL Instant Messenger. I was still attacking him, and he yelled at me. He asked me, "Do you want us to work out or not?!". I said yes I do. And he said, "then why are you doing this?! All this is counter-productive. Sure, you can insult me, call me names, you don't think I know you hate me already?! But this isn't getting us anywhere. You don't call and you don't speak when I call you, it doesn't look like you want us to work out!" I did not say anything, I knew he was right, I was boiling in anger and did not want to admit. I said I had to go, said good bye, and signed off.

After that, I finally called him after a few days of avoiding him completely. He wrote me an email expressing how sorry he was, how he understood if I don't want to see him, how he would wait until I wanted to see him again, how he is sorry for always yelling at me, how he is just so sorry for everything and he knows sorry does not suffice but he does not know what else to say. I cried when I read his email.

When I called him he was with his friend at his parents' place having dinner. I said sorry for interrupting and started to hang up, but he immediately told me I was not interrupting, he sounded genuinely glad I finally called him. He asked me what was up, and I said I wanted to get a book at Barnes and Noble, Did he want to come with me to get it? He said he would, he would call me back after he ate dinner.

I waited for his call. Waited and waited, he did not call after an hour. B. does not take very long to eat, so I called him first. I was pissed off, by now Barnes and Nobles would be closed by the time we got there. He apologized and said he was taking his time eating. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I won't see you now.." He sounded disappointed. When B. is honestly hurt and disappointed it really hurts me. Some people say I'm too much of a softie. In movies, I often feel bad for the villain because in the end he lost and that must really suck for the villain. I felt horrible, so I asked B. if he wanted to go and get a bite to eat. He said he just ate, but he'll go anyway. He asked me where I wanted to go, and luckily I was in the mood for French Toast at this cafe near his parents' house.

I met him at the train station, I did not say hello. I stopped while I waited for him to wipe his glasses, and then continued walking and he followed. We did not speak. At the cafe we sat and I attempted to start a conversation. He did not have much to say. After I finished eating, we walked to his parents' place. He said they had a red envelope to give me for the Chinese New Year that just passed. We walked to his parents' place, it was a freezing night. The wind was sharp and my cheeks felt like they were being cut with razors.

His parents gave me the red envelopes and we stuck around for a while in his old room. I looked at the books on the shelf while he looked over his mail. We sat around reading funny stories from this book for bathroom reading with humorous stories. It did not actually feel normal, but hell, I can fake it.

He said it was getting late, he should take me home. I wanted something to happen that night. He said he had this good DVD at his place, and I said I wanted to watch it. So we agreed that I would go over and watch it. At the train station, I put my head on his shoulder and he did not move. He seemed to freeze. Later on, when I asked him why he didn't hug me, or do something, he said he was afraid, he didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he just stood there.

We arrived at his place and while I watched the movie he did the laundry. I told him that I wanted everything washed. The sheets, the blanket, everything. He took down the sheets, the blanket, the pillow cases, the blanket cover, and he lugged it all to the Laundromat and did the laundry. I felt amazed, I didn't think he would do it. B. has a major stubborn streak (as do I), he does things his way and wiggles out of doing things another person's way like a weasel. He's hard headed but ambitious when he really gets to something he wants to do. That night, he even folded the laundry (he never folds the laundry).

He changed the sheets to the olive green ones that I like. He put away the blue sheets that was on the bed when he slept with Pam. We haven't used those sheets since and I hope we will never use it again.

That night, I showered with him. I had hardly spoken a word to him the past few days, haven't held his hand, did not even want to be near him at all, did not want to touch him at all. I showered with him and he kept his distance. He was being cautious, washed me and I stood there using his shoulder for balance. When he leaned over me to put the soap back in the soap dish, I kissed him, and he kissed back. He held me fiercely, and whispered thank you.

07. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to write

Shortly after B. and I got back together I told him that if he was going to be with me, he had to end it with Pam. A few times when I came over, she would be there because she had to use his bathroom. I didn't buy any of that, when a person stops in to use someone else's bathroom they don't stay for another hour. That is what Pam did, she would hang around for another hour. Another time when B. and I got back to his place she called his home phone, and he answered on speaker since his phone had died. She asked if he was avoiding him. I knew something was not right, regular platonic friends do not ask those kind of questions. B. said he would end it with her, he would tell her to stop "dropping in to pee", to stop calling, and he would stop calling her as well. A couple of days later he told me he told her that he and I are back together and told her that they should not keep in touch anymore. I was relieved.

I caught the flu almost right after we got back together. Again, he took care of me. He brought me to the doctor, I stayed at his place because no one was home at my house. He took care of me, picked me up from school, cooked for me, made me tea, drew me hot baths, yelled at me when I did not get off my lazy butt to go to the doctor. After I went to the doctor, I started to get better. He did not give me antibiotics, but another prescription I do not remember the name do. All it did was simply attack the influenza virus, but I did not know that it did not help me create an immunity to that virus.

We got in another fight because I was absorbed in my own self-pitying sick world. I was sick and I thought I deserved special treatment. I thought I should be babied. I was sick! I always told myself that, What does he want me to do? I'm sick, doesn't he know that? The thing you should know about B. is that his approach to everything is Just Do It. I'm not trying to steal Nike's logo, but that is just how he is. Even if you're sick, that doesn't mean you can do NOTHING. To him, there is never a reason why you should do nothing, that is unacceptable (unless you're dead). And he's right. My parents always babied me when I was young. For the week I was sick, I became an spoiled 5 year old and B. became my father. I did not take medicine because I did not like it. I kicked off the covers because I was hot even thought I knew I had to "sweat out" the flu. I did not drink lots of fluids because I was not thirsty. I did not eat what B. cooked. I did not want to get up to go to the doctor because I couldn't stand up even though my condition was not getting better and my fever went over 103 the previous night. We fought before he left for work because my selfishness and spoiled behavior was stopping him from what he needed to do (get to work on time). I went home that night (I could finally walk without feeling dizzy, thank God).

A few days later, B. was silent, he did not talk to me. One of the days we got in an argument before I had to leave for school. We could not resolve it right there, but I said I would call him if I was going over. After school, I could not find a pay phone near my school and I did not have a mobile phone. I decided I'll just go over because I have keys to his place and I was still recovering from the flu and I was not going to walk around to look for a pay phone. I arrived at his apartment and opened the door. I walked into the bedroom and B. jumped off the bed. He was naked and whereas a person would wonder why, I shook it off and figured he was just hot because his room happens to be the warmest room in the house and it was quite hot in there. He asked if I wanted to shower, he was about to go shower.

"Uh.. no.. I'm okay, why do you have to shower?"
"Because I'm dirty"
"You don't look dirty, just sweaty"

As I was putting my bag down, I noticed a blue bra on the floor. All of this should have raised my eyebrows, but I was in a half daze from my flu and medication. Then I noticed a pair of female jeans draped over the chair.

My heart began to race, it slowly began to fall into place.

"Who's jeans are those?" I asked suspiciously.
B. was looking at the floor. "They're Pam's."
"Where is she?"
"She's on my bed"
"What is she doing on your bed without her pants?"
B. was still looking at the floor. "I'm sorry" he mumbled to his feet.

I stared, I could not believe what was happening. I walked over to the bed and pulled on the lump that was covered with the blanket. The lump pulled back. I went into the bathroom because I had been holding in my pee all day and could not do it any longer. When I got back Pam's pants and bra were no longer on the floor. I sat and did not look at the bed. I could hear the bed creak as she redressed. B. put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt over his naked body and I was steaming with disgust and anger, with betrayal, unbelief, pain, anguish. I was feeling everything except anything good.

In a huge crisis, I am able to keep my head. Regrettably, I cannot say this for all crises. I am sure other people possess this quality as well, it works great to keep a level voice, it helps people understand you so much better.

When I am as angry as I was that day, I do not even bother to scream, but I somehow manage to keep a steady voice. I sat in the chair and I began to interrogate.

"Are you going to go out with her?"
No answer.

"Why did you do this? Because I was not paying attention to you when I was sick?"
I don't know.

"What about how you were supposed to end it? You said you did."
I didn't really. I just told her we were back together.

"Why did you lie about us breaking up? Do you want to break up?"
He shrugged. Everything was just falling apart...

"So you go and have sex with my friend?!"
I'm sorry.

What happened was he called her to come over. She came over and they sat on his couch talking. He lied to her and told her we broke up. She then held his hand in some kind of sympathy move, and B. then began to fondle her breasts and between her legs. They went into the bedroom, and Pam kissed him but he moved away. Then she tried again, and he just let her. He lifted her shirt a bit, and she took it off herself. She undressed by herself, he did not undress her. B. removed his pants and he told her to bend over. So she bent over, and he did her from behind, standing up, with her bending over.

She asked to go on the bed, so they went on the bed. He told her to get on her knees and he put on a condom and did her like a dog. When he came, he wiped himself off, and she just rolled over. They laid there and he did not hold her, they just laid there staring at the ceiling. 15 or 20 minutes later he hears me open the front door and he panicks.

This is all from what he told me, but when I talked to Pam about it she did not deny any of this. When I asked him why he would time it so beautifully, so that it would be approximately at the time I usually arrive to his place from school he said he did not know, he kind of wanted to get caught. He felt that our relationship was falling apart again and he just wanted to do something to push me away. He said when he called her over, he was in a daze, he went through the motions and although he knew what he was doing, he also did not know what he was doing.

Pam got dressed and made to leave, but I told her to stay. She stood in the living room and did not look at me. I was steaming with anger, I wanted to strike down with thunder, I was so incredibly mad, but I did not yell.

"How could you do this? Does my faithfulness to you mean NOTHING? I know I don't have much to give you, I don't have a lot of money, but the one thing I ALWAYS gave you with faithfulness. I don't even look twice at other men. In the beginning when you told me you did not like my flirty behavior, did I not stop?! You lied to me, you told me NOTHING would happen between you two, and yet here you are, having sex with her!" I went on and on and on. I don't even remember half of what I said.

B. sat there and listened and answers he gave to questions I asked did not suffice. Most of them were "I don't know" or "I'm sorry" (which is not an answer). I talked to Pam from where I was sitting, but she never said a word. This is her character, when confronted with a problem she does not confront it, she keeps quiet and runs away. Even when the problem is right there in front of her face, she never says a word. I asked her, "what happened to 'I would never do anything with B. to hurt you'?" She said nothing.

I asked her, "I thought you said you didn't like him? Then why are you here having sex with him?!". She said nothing.

I asked her, "I thought you said 'sex is a sacred thing and it should only be done with someone special'? What happened to that?!". She said nothing.

Prior to this incident, when I talked to Pam, she told me she thought sex was something sacred. It should only be done with somebody you love, and she said she would wait until she was married to have sex. She was also a virgin until B. had sex with her. She told me that she had no feelings toward B., she told me that she would never get involved with him, she would never do something like that to hurt her friend.

I understand that B. told her he and I broke up, so I cannot blame her for that. Pam still believes that I was angry because she slept with him. Honestly, that is not why I am angry. I am angry because she lied to me. She does not understand that, even when I told her plain and simple, "I am not mad at you because you slept with him, I don't even blame you for that. I'm mad because you lied". She has the amazing ability to ignore the words when told to her plain and simple.

06. baby, you would have been brilliant

( Most of this post was erased, I had to completely revamp it, so the events are not what actually happened but are written to mirror what actually happened. It doesn't really suffice since this was a big chunk of the whole story, but I had to do it. Sorry guys. )

After that incident with Pam at B.'s apartment, our relationship went steadily downhill. B. called it quits sometime after that in the winter. I went into depression. At first I called him a lot with some hope of still lasting, but after a week of his indifferent tone of voice I gave up because I figured he didn't care anymore, let the man have his peace. I stayed home mostly, and I slept a lot. I became forgetful, it seemed like I was already dead. I was tired often and slept mostly the whole day. I would come home from school and just plop on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour and then fall asleep until dinner. My appetite was lost, I ate very little. Most days I skipped dinner and just slept right through. I did not call him, and whereas the sound of the phone used to spark hope that it was him, it no longer did. I had given up already, I wanted a quick peel of the band-aid.

December was a lonely month. The order of these events may not be in order, it's all a big blur, I wouldn't remember December at all if I had not gotten so sick. I called B. and told him about my condition which wasn't really that bad, but he took me to the doctor and he took care of me.

My getting sick must have evoked some sympathy in B. He became caring and worried about me. He took me out to lunch and dinners and made sure I was comfortable and tended to my needs. I let him, it was easier that way.

I got well after a few days. B. took care of me, he took off from work early to check up on me at his place. My parents left before Christmas because they had to work, so I spent Christmas with B.'s family. It felt good to be around a family, I had been feeling so apart from my own family lately, they were always working.

Christmas and New Year's was magical. I felt good after so long of feeling nothing. It feels like a beautiful rainfall when you haven't been able to feel any real emotion for so long and then you finally feel something. I still did not consider B. my boyfriend, I did not even want to think about it. I just wanted to feel Okay, and I was Okay just having fun without feeling all the pressure.

Shortly after, B. asked me if I would go back to being his girlfriend. He said Christmas and New Year's was just like how it used to be, Could we have that again? At first I did not agree, I said the reason it was that way was because there was no attachments and I could just be me, and not worry about us. I said maybe we should just remain the way we are.

The look on his face broke my heart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay. He was like my little baby who scraped his elbow and I wanted to kiss his boo-boo away. I wanted him to stop looking that way, extremely glum, shot down. I did not want to make him feel that way.

"Okay, Okay, I can be your girlfriend again" I said.
"No, you don't really want to. I don't want you to if you don't really want to."
"I really want to."

We went on like that for a little while, while we walked to his friend's place for dinner. I remember that night when he asked me that, because it was a beautiful night out in New York City. We were outside of J&R in City Hall, it was winter, and I remember thinking it was such a perfect winter night. So I gave up, and I became his girlfriend again. My first feeling was not to, because I knew the reasons why it seemed so perfect on Christmas and New Year's. When we took those reasons away and applied all the issues we had as a couple, I wasn't too sure of how we would hold up.

05. this is the hammer turning into a wrecking ball

A month or so later after he revealed to me that he liked her emotionally, our relationship went to hell. I was a wreck, I was clingy, I needed reassurance, and for that reassurance I needed to be with him every minute of the day. This got tiring after a while, he had enough of it after a while. He said I was suffocating him, and he called a break. We were on a break for a couple weeks, but I still saw him. I insisted we remain as "bed buddies" because I knew no other way of still having a thread of hope of getting him back.

I stuck around as his bed buddy. He still treated me like his girlfriend, and on the first occasion I thought that we were getting back together, but he broke the news to me that we are only friends. Maybe we shouldn't do this bed buddy thing? But I insisted, No, I didn't understand the terms before, I understand now.

There were times during the break that I would call his mobile frantic, because I didn't know where he was and I had this gut feeling that he was out with Pam. On some occasions, that gut feeling was right.

Pam called me, after a while of not calling me, just to shoot the breeze. We talked about nothing. She told me that B. was over at her place a couple days ago fixing her computer. She said that he stayed around, they watched movies, and ordered food. I was hurt. When I had finally gotten hold of B. that day, and I asked him what he has been up to the past few days, he said nothing about that. He told me he had been over to his parents for dinner and he stayed home the other days. I felt hurt and betrayed, I felt like he was hiding something from me.

Pam told me that she had found a boyfriend (her first), but she had also just found out that he was cheating on her. I figured since she told me something private, I could tell her something private. I told her that B. likes somebody else. I didn't tell her it was her, but the minute I told her that she started acting very weird. She would change topics every time I brought up who B. liked. Then she insisted that we make it into a guessing game. I gave up, Okay fine, go ahead guess. She guessed, she made it into a silly game. She threw every body's name in there except her own, even some guys. Even when I told her B. is not gay, she still threw in guys names. I finally had enough with it, I said "Pam, I'm just going to tell you who". And then she acted really weird, she almost screamed "NO, let me guess!". She threw in some more names, and through her talking I tried to say what I wanted to say as well. I repeated, "Look, Pam, I'm just going to tell you". But she wouldn't stop her game. Then she said, "Oh, my mom's calling me! I have to go, I'll call you back in 30 minutes." CLICK. She never called me back.

I know when someone is playing stupid with me. I've played that game many times, so I know when someone is doing the same to me. Pam was obviously playing stupid with me. Not only that, I found it extremely insulting that even when I said to her, "look I'm being serious here" (I said that somewhere in the course of her guessing game), she did not think she should evoke the courtesy to listen. Even if it's something she did not want to hear, I think she should have had at least the courtesy to not fool around that way when I was being dead serious.

I called her back, but she did not pick up. A few days later, B. and I were talking about some stuff. I said I was scared he would start a relationship with Pam, and he assured me that nothing was going to happen between them. He doesn't like her in a way that is necessary to maintain a relationship. She called him, and he told her to come over to return some video she had borrowed from Blockbuster. It was some chick flick movie and I thought it was odd that B. would borrow something like that from Blockbuster. I thought it even odder that Pam had it, because when she told me they hung out, she said they did not rent from Blockbuster because when she told me they watched movies I thought they rented some movies, but she said they did not. So I thought that they hung out again, and again when I asked B. what he was up to for the days I did not see him, he said he didn't do anything.

The Blockbuster tape was due that day, before 12, but she arrived after 12. It turned out that she did not watch the movie yet, so B. invited her to watch it at his place. She walked in, and she said hello to me. I was sitting on the couch folding laundry. B. sat there folding laundry with me, and Pam sat in one of the arm chairs.

"Are you going to watch the movie?" I asked her (my tone wasn't very cordial).
"Yeah"
"So.. are you going to put the movie in the VCR?"
She sat there silently.
I got up and put the movie in the VCR for her (my movements must have been angry, because by then I was steaming with anger and was wondering why she was sitting there like a princess waiting for someone else to do something for her).
"Here's the remote for the VCR" I said. I dropped the remote on the coffee table in front of her. She did not move to pick it up.
I folded one shirt from the pile of laundry and she did not move at all. So I reached over, grabbed the remote, and turned on the movie for her. I knew I was being a bad "host" (because B. considers me not as a "guest" but a "host" since I'm over there so much).
B. asked if she would want to help fold the laundry. She said Okay, but never made a move to grab a shirt or anything.
Finally she said, "why you having an attitude with me for?" (sounds like ghetto New York talk for anyone reading this who's not from New York. Pam and I went to a 50% Hispanic school, she lived in that area so she must have picked up the lingo. I live in an Italian area, but I never got into the whole "futgheddaboutit" kind of thing).
I blew up on her. I said she was playing mind games with me on the phone. And she said, "You're mad at me because I didn't call you back?!"
I said I was mad because she was playing mind games with me. She did not have at least the courtesy to try and listen and not interrupt my every word when I told her I have something serious to tell her.
And she said, "What? So who is it?!"
And I said, "IT'S YOU!"
B. sat there folding laundry.

Pam walked out of the apartment, and B. got up and followed her. I was appalled. Nice of B. to leave me, I thought. When B. came back up later, he was mad at me for blowing up on her. I didn't understand why he was mad, I figured she started it first (childish thinking, I know). I cried because he was mad and I did not understand. I thought he wanted me to apologize, so I called her but I got her voicemail. She must have changed it right after she left the apartment, because now it said, "I hate you, you fucking bitch", instead of her usual voicemail message. I called her a second time a few minutes later and I apologized over and over and over, I was almost in hysterics from my tears.

She said it was okay, she's not mad anymore. I asked her if she could understand how I feel, because the man I love just told me he likes someone else. Not just anyone else, my friend, which makes it so much harder. She assured me that nothing is going to happen between her and B. (just like what B. said), and she said that she would never do anything like that to hurt me. I felt better so I said sorry once again before I hung up.

B. was still giving me the cold shoulder. I went into the bathroom and let the tears fall freely.

04. this is the hammer tinkering at the walls of my world

A couple months after I discovered B. was physically attracted to Pam, he told me he liked her, emotionally as well. This is 10 times worse than liking her just physically. We were laying in bed, ready to fall asleep, and he drops the news on me. He explains that it is nothing compared to what he feels for me. He loves me, not her, do I understand that?

I did not understand that. I was silent for about 10 or 15 minutes, I said nothing. Then I stormed out of the bedroom and got into my regular clothes. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning, but I didn't care. I had to get away from there. He asked me where I was going and I said I didn't know, I just have to get out of here. He said he'll go with me, he didn't want anything to happen to me late at night. I told him I don't want him near me, but he insisted, he said there is no way I am going to let you out at night by yourself right now.

I sat on the couch and waited for him. His room mate, J. was still up. I was sitting on the couch sobbing and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" J. asked.
"He likes my friend" I sobbed.

I'm not sure if J. knew who I was talking about, although he has met Pam before. He said he would take me home. I didn't want to go home at that time, I just wanted to walk. I asked if he could just walk with me, but B. insisted that he should go instead.

We walked for a little while. I fumed and sobbed, and he trailed behind. When I started ranting, he tried explaining. That even though he likes her, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I tried to understand. After a while, we went back and sat on his front steps.

I started getting these horrible pains in my side. I climbed back into bed and waited for the pain to subside while B. brought me Advil. I didn't hold him that night. My world had just shattered because I held on to that ideal that love has only room for one person. When we were sitting on the stoop, he told me that my ideal was wrong. The minute he said that, he confirmed that my world was a sham, it was a farce, it then ceased to exist.

03. this is how it starts

I worked with Pam for about six weeks. She and B. lived close to each other, so since I often slept over at B.'s house, we would go to work together. She is the type of person that is always late. I am not being mean to say this, it is just how she is. On our last day when we were supposed to meet with our supervisor for lunch, she was an hour late in meeting me. It takes 45 minutes to an hour to get to Manhattan from where we lived, and she was an hour late when I told her to meet me at 10. She came as 10:50 so we missed the lunch completely.

I did enjoy working with her. We got in a lot of trouble though. We used to rotate shifts at the front desk, but soon it became a problem because we talked a lot. At work when she had nothing to do, she would walk over to my desk and chat. This really pissed off our boss since it was a bad image for the company. Soon after, they switched her to another department permanently, so we did not rotate shifts anymore. She was very upset because she felt that our supervisor now hated her. She still found ways sneak over to chat after that. We both got in a lot of trouble for that.

She met B. the first day he came to pick me up from work. B. has a flirty personality (at least he used to). Many of his friends are females, I have not met most of them because they live out of state, but they like calling him up frequently when they want to bitch about their boyfriends. Beside that, B. is very chatty and he just basically gets along well with most people.

We would all hang out together, sometimes I would invite her over to dinner. After a while, whenever B. and I planned to do something, he would ask me, "Are you going to call Pam to come?". So I called her. After a while, I started getting ticked off because I really wanted some alone time, but Pam always seemed to be around.

Many times, when B. and I were walking back to his apartment, she would follow us in. Neither of us invited her, she just walked in with us, but neither B. nor I were brave enough to tell her to leave because we would be bad hosts.

One afternoon, Pam came over and I was tired so I took a nap on the bed. At that time, B. just got a new bed that he built himself. B. climbed in bed with me, and then he invited Pam to come and see how great the bed was. She said she was tired, and he told her to take a nap on the bed. I was extremely mad, because that was OUR bed. How could he invite another girl to sleep on OUR bed?! I walked out of the room to the bathroom and started running water for a hot shower. B. walked in after me and asked me what was wrong. I asked him why he would invite her into OUR bed. He said he didn't know, he just wanted to sleep between two girls. When he was in college he had a threesome with two lesbians (or some of his girlfriends let him have threesomes) and he said he liked waking up between two women. You cannot believe how thoroughly disgusted I was. Not only did my boyfriend expect that of me, he tried to PUSH it. And I knew he was trying to push it. Sometimes when the three of us were hanging out together he would ask her and I to hold hands as friends do. When we went grocery shopping with her once, he was holding my hand and then he moved my hand onto her shoulder. I hated it, but he kept pushing. I should have showed him how much I hated it, I would mention a few words here and there, and now my biggest regret is always letting things slide when I shouldn't have. I asked him if he liked her emotionally and he said no. I then asked him if he liked her physically and he said nothing. I asked him if he would want to sleep with her, and he sighed and said I don't know.

I was hurt and I was angry. I couldn't believe B. just said that. What kind of boyfriend is he?! I thought. What kind of love is this? Does he even love me?! He told me that night that even though he likes her physically, it doesn't mean he loves her.

Even with that, I still felt hurt and betrayed.

02. this is what i am

When people ask me how old my boyfriend is and I tell them, I get surprised reactions sometimes. My friends don't mind the 10 year age difference, in fact a lot of my male friends try to be more like him. When I met some of his friends when I was fourteen they thought I was in college, until I told them I was still in high school.

Maybe you think it's sick that he's dating a young girl like me, maybe you don't. It doesn't really matter to me, some people are like that and I don't mind if they think that way. That's just how they are. I personally don't think my boyfriend is some pervert who gets his willies out of dating young girls. He never had relationships with young girls before he met me.

I date older guys. I don't do it purposely, I just seem to attract them and vice versa. I have dated people around my own age. Those relationships were short lived and most did not hold any meaning to me.

In this blog, I will be calling my boyfriend B. We are still together, and working through his cheating on me. Before he cheated on me, I admired him more. I put him on this pedestal, this unrealistic pedestal that made everything he did wonderful. Kind of like how I used to look up to my father when I was a kid, and then when I was 12 my parents marital situation shattered my rosy little world, and my father was no longer held in that admirable light. This is how it is with B. He fell from that pedestal and in a way it's better because now he's become more real.

My friend whom he slept with, is no longer my friend. She is the same age as me. I met her in junior high, we weren't that close until I bumped into her last summer. On this blog, I will just call her "Pam". I was working at this firm last summer and I saw her at this career convention type of thing. She wanted to work there, so I asked if she could work at the firm and so that's how it got started. We didn't have a "chick fight", but we talked about it. She gave me noncommittal answers when I asked her why she would do something like that to me, so I stopped asking. I will write more about what happened between us later when my story gets to that point.

As for now, I must start at the beginning.

01. introduction

I am Peace_Keeper. That is all, I would not like to reveal too much about myself. I write this to write, simply because I like to and because I have a lot of things I would want to say. There are some things I think you might like to know about me.

01. I am a teenager closing in on my last year of high school.
02. I started this blog because my boyfriend of 2 and a half years cheated on me and I need closure.
03. My boyfriend is 10 years older than me.

For now that is all.

I don't really expect anyone to ever come across this blog and read it, but if anyone is, then I thank you for your patronage. I suppose the reason I can write so freely here is because I feel that it is private, because it's one of a million blogs on the web, it seems thin that the chances of someone stumbling across this would actually happen.